My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The only equipped I am is ill.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.