Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…