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Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Good point.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.