Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that