My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.

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Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.



Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I


This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?


*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says


if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world


Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.


*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?


me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that