@evanrhorne
@MeganBaca1
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
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@MeganBaca1
@imdaintyaf
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
@AnkCoupleTO
[Easter]
Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I
@Darlainky
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
@carlyken
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
@c_gawker
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
@mrtruthandsoul
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
@mommajessiec
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
@FredTaming
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that