My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
This was the best day of my life
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo