My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
You Might Also Like
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent