@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

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@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

@dietredbull

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

@_ElvishPresley_

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

@iVanillaGorilla

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

@Playing_Dad

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*