The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own
ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*