@LostFelicia

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

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@Scorpio1080

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

@sophielou

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

@flashember

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone