The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone