@LostFelicia

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

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@TheNYAMProject

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@colinmochrie

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???