My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
*gets down on one knee*
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???