My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO