someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.