WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor