My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Salad is the decaf of food.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone