My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.