My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.