My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

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Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”


nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there


nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet


I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.


me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns


* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!


wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving


Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!


My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.