My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.