I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
“Jesus is here”
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.
It was cute with Skittles.
Then she switched to dog food.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose