Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“My bf and I were having dinner with my family and I asked for my daddy to pass the sriracha my bf and my dad both reached for it” – Harvard
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What’s the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don’t answer that.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.