My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
ibopfufen
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My plans: 2020:
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Kermit goes Blue.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.