My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07