My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner