My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.