My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
This dude got his own movie?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me