My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.


I have no use for this *tosses dictionary out of glass square thing which you can see outside through*


Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*


5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg


My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.


I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.


*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.


Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.