My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Just as the prophecy foretold
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
me as a parent
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.