@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

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@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@El_nacho_Nigre

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

@DirtMcTurd

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

@Mardigroan

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery

@hipstermermaid

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!






2015: Taco Emoji!

@Nahdude83

A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.