My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
You Might Also Like
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Anime is real
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*