@Brianhopecomedy

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

- @Brianhopecomedy

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@ShortSleeveSuit

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????

@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@OopsieCrazy

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@ClichedOut

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.