My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
How does one answer this?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Festive toon…
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon