I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Meow
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I need this for my side hustle.