I’m sitting on a piece of driftwood alone at the beach and if this was a movie the hot bearded guy would find me and sit next to me saying something about not ever needing to sit alone anymore but instead a dog just took a shit six feet from me so
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.