My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

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I’m sitting on a piece of driftwood alone at the beach and if this was a movie the hot bearded guy would find me and sit next to me saying something about not ever needing to sit alone anymore but instead a dog just took a shit six feet from me so


Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.


ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*


Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in


[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”


[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess


It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”


Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.


How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.


BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.