My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.