Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Blew my mind.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel