Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
To all the guys getting gassed that Nick Jonas got Priyanka Chopra by sliding in her dms. Before you send that 4th dm to that girl…just think to yourself…are you Nick Jonas?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.