@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

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@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@trevso_electric

Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@hennaahmedx

To all the guys getting gassed that Nick Jonas got Priyanka Chopra by sliding in her dms. Before you send that 4th dm to that girl…just think to yourself…are you Nick Jonas?

@FatherWithTwins

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.