My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
that colleague who touches your screen
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
what the
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀