@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

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@Darlainky

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@RuthePhoenix

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@sparticus_af

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

@JaneBadall

Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.

@bngzyface

[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.

@E_lok44

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

@TySmithdrums

“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.