@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

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@Trigg3rHippie

Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.

@kaL12578

Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.

@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

@sonictyrant

Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig

@LaceyNycole

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.