10 days ago: eating cat food.
Today: eating the cat.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.
It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.
Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.