My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

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I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.


Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.


People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.


I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*


Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.


[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*


Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.


[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.


“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese


“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.