My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Pretty certain I can more drunk
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move