My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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there has never been a better use of this meme
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.