My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.

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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.


I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.


Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.


Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.


Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.


If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos