I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.
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Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please