@thecrabbyhook

My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.

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@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@MDthrice

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

@Donna_McCoy

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

@thatdutchperson

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

@Lisabug74

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos