My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
notice
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I like long walks away from everyone
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself