My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
You Might Also Like
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.