@CantWaitToNap

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

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@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@bourgeoisalien

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

@markhoppus

I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@BazarComedy

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

@Mr_Kapowski

Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey

@BlakWidowBarbee

My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.