Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: Unless I had ketchup.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital