My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.


I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”


My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.


In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.


I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast


GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news


“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”


Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.


Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey


My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.