@CantWaitToNap

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

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@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

@Lisabug74

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@LeahsLounge

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@DadZZZasleep

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital