My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke