my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
me, too, girl. me, too.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.