@Parkerlawyer

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

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@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@Voiceofgarth

I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@DanMentos

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.