My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

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Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.


I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.


I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.


“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”


Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago


I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.


–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.