@cloverjag

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

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@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@AllanForsyth

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

@iwearaonesie

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

@djdarrellripley

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

@jergarl

It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”

@ermahgarton

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

@MariyaAlexander

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds