My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

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A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.


*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*


Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…


It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”


bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit


I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds