My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong