My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.