My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
this isn’t threatening at all
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.