My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
⛄️
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.