My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
no such thing as a dumb question
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.