@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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@nypost

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

@Chris__oj

Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.

@jake_likes_naps

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

@tiffistrying

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@rumsnipe

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

@kyry5

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.