My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.


Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos


Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”


One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators


Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.


[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?


Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb


Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.