Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish