Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
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Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.