BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”