@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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@WilliamAder

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I’ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

@NickStopTalking

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@kashanacauley

Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

@chuuew

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

@momjeansplease

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.