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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.