My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.


When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori


Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.


YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.


me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done


Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.


Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices


When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.