My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.


just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio


Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark isn’t it?


*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*


Regardless of who wins, we can all agree Thanksgiving with the family will be uncomfortable


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel


I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.