the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Always a metermaid never a meter
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.