*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”