*handsome, young man walks up*
Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.
HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
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That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”