@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

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@mexinonblonde

*handsome, young man walks up*
HYM-Ms.

Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.

HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.

@MrNickNo

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@mamallamapuff

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

@LostFelicia

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

@joeljeffrey

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”