Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Put the is in disheveled
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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