Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Maths meets science
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life