My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it