January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Boss: Is… everyone here?
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground
Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
me: babe come quick
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-