@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

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@Parkerlawyer

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

@Goofpoops

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

@TuffyNyC

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

@abbycohenwl

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

@pilau

An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit

@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

@TweetPotato314

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

@roxiqt

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-