@copymama

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

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@jazmasta

Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they’re doing right now? They’re playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone.

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@nyquills

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

@theguydf

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

@_Ashley_Jordan

I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@alrulz2009

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

@TiaBarracini

I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?

@TT_Sunshine_

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?